Reflection is Raw

Keyana and I embarked on a reflection journey as we entered the last 90 days of this year. It's that time when October rolls around, and the pressure begins to mount. Many questions start to whirl through your mind. You might start by examining your life and your connections with family, taking stock of your actions. Like many of us, I, too, initially questioned,

"Did I show up enough?"

This inquiry resounded loudly in my thoughts.

But this year, I chose to flip the script on this dialogue. Instead of asking myself, "Did I do enough?" – a question that often leads to a disheartening "compare and despair" cycle –

I asked myself, "Did I grow?"

To me, growth is one of life's great equalizers, particularly if we compare ourselves equitably. I pondered several questions to guide this introspection:

- Did I challenge my perspective?

- Was I willing to embrace discomfort?

- Do I understand myself better?

- Did I find the courage to use my voice, change, step out of my comfort zone, or simply be still?

Finding answers to these questions required time and introspection. I combed through context clues, revisited journal entries, and even listened to our podcast episodes. But equally important was the time I spent absorbing the answers.

Throughout this process, I discovered that I wasn't alone in my feelings. Many people are navigating a similar path, given the profound changes the world has undergone during the three-plus years of the pandemic. Depending on your perspective, these changes could be seen as either deeply jaded or cautiously optimistic. For me, it was somewhere in that beautiful, messy middle.

• This past year has taught me to embrace the grey areas in life and to cease being afraid of them, something I'd been avoiding my whole life. One example is allowing my child to form his own friendships, rather than trying to fit into ever-evolving and sometimes exclusive mom circles. The grey in this situation represents a loss of control but also a concern for his long-term well-being.

• Another example is learning to accept that not everyone will support your path, even when you initially receive validation from those around you. When our podcast launched six months ago, the praise and accolades were abundant. However, as time passed, the external validation dwindled, only to be replaced by a different, more profound sense of affirmation – one that emerges from genuine connections and conversations, and the knowledge that we are indeed on the right path.

This is really silly to mention, but in the spirit of vulnerability, one aspect that stood out was my newfound willingness to embrace change and try a new style. You see, for the longest time, I’d clung to a certain look, a specific wardrobe, and a particular way of presenting myself to the world. But recently, I decided it was time to step outside my comfort zone.

I can vividly recall strolling into work with bold and vibrant looks, outfits that were a far cry from my usual attire – a bold, patterned dress that I’d never have considered before paired with air max sneakers.

As I stood in front of the mirror in the morning, examining myself in this new style, I felt a rush of exhilaration. It was as if I didn't just have a new style, but a new version of myself. The outfit wasn’t just a piece of fabric; it was an expression of my willingness to change, to break free from my old mold, and to feel good in my own skin.

The moment I stepped out in that outfit, I noticed something remarkable. It wasn’t just the clothes that had transformed – it was my confidence. I walked with a newfound grace, a smile on my face, and a sense of liberation. It was a small change in style, but it was a monumental shift in how I felt about myself.

This experience reminded me that personal growth isn’t confined to deep introspection and philosophical questions. Sometimes, it’s about making a simple, tangible change in your life, like trying a new style, and feeling genuinely good in your own skin. It’s about recognizing that it’s okay to evolve, to experiment, and to discover new facets of yourself.

So, as you reflect on your past year, especially these last 90 days, pay close attention to the emotions that surface and how they resonate within your body. As I write this post, I feel a warm, reassuring buzz in my stomach, extending to my heart, and lifting the corners of my lips into a smile.

This is the validation I need to answer those questions above. This is how I make myself at ease with the ambiguity, knowing that I've done my best for myself, which, ultimately, benefits those around me. In the end, it's not about asking whether I did enough; it's about acknowledging the growth and the journey that has unfolded. It's the journey of learning to trust myself.