A few years back, I sat in my living room after receiving a call about a job that I had spent 12 weeks interviewing for, a job that I wanted badly (or at least, I thought I did at the time), and one that I was super close to getting, but didn't. I found myself making myself a victim in this story and with each passing day falling into a deep puddle of disappointment. The thoughts went something like this:
Why did you even put yourself out there?
You will never have what it takes to move to the next level
It must have been some fluke my resume even got through
You aren't smart enough for them
It took me longer than I would like to admit to move on from being stuck in those emotions. I didn't have the tools to move through this range of emotions at that time. My inner spark was dim, and if I am being completely honest it was happening for some time and that was just the catalyst to make me notice.
Lighting a spark inside yourself requires knowing who you are and a deep connection with your intuition. It requires an intentional ability to quiet the noise around you to get clear. One thing I can say without a shadow of a doubt is that I didn't have the tools accessible during that chapter of my life to shine an inquisitive light on my lacklusterness for some things and high beams on all the goodness that surrounded me, including a beautiful and loving family, and lots of major accolades and successes to showcase by anyone's measure.
In reflection, everything happens for a reason, and if I could go back and talk to myself at that time, I would have said to myself:
You are here right now for a reason. You are in the exact spot you are supposed to be in, even if it doesn't feel good right now. There is more to YOUR life than the relentless pursuit of goals and constant comparison to others. You are not on your path right now. Comparison is the thief of joy and to find your way back to your path follow these steps below:
Feel this pain.
Acknowledge this pain.
Get Curious.
Identify your pivot.
I didn't know how to find my bigger yes at that time, but what I can tell you today is that a bigger yes doesn’t always mean pursuing a new career or writing a book; it could be as simple as waking up in the morning, looking at yourself in the mirror with dignity, and being proud of the mother you are.
To transcend in this space you have to know who you are. I have got into the habit of asking myself these question on a regular cadence.
Ask yourself, what behaviors are you doing right now that brings you that big "yes" or that spark of joy?
Ask yourself, what behaviors are you tolerating that distract from your big yes?
What are you willing to unravel, settle on (because sometimes we need to be ok with things being good enough), or add more of to move in the direction you are looking to go?
Reflecting on the grind I've been on for so long, I now see a lot of what I went for was deeply rooted in impulsivity with a hint of a trauma response. Impulsivity can be an Achilles' heel if you're not aware of it. For a long time, I saw these behaviors as grit and perseverance when, in reality, they stemmed from comparing myself to others. My pursuit to be as 'good' as others was to create some swirl around me to cover up my feelings of 'not enoughness'.
Over the past 2-ish years, I have been able to slow down and settle into who I am, flaws and all. By focusing on my visions in their simplest form and what is meant for me, I have been able to make room to celebrate the wins of others. This is not only restorative to me and my overall wellbeing, but it also has a generative effect in the circles I am a part of. It has humbled me and softened me. It has moved me from a state of scarcity and into a flow of abundance.
Understanding how to move through your emotions is a game changer. A major emotion I used to feel was jealousy. This is not a great emotion to use as fuel. It will lead you in the wrong direction every time and will double down on your lack of ability to find capacity for the things that are meant for you.
After spending some time healing and exploring what I want from this one life, at this very moment, I can admire the qualities in other women that I once was jealous of. I can use it as fuel to do the transformative work from the inside out. It has given me an appreciation on resilience that I have never had before.
Resilience isn't about harshly pushing through; it's about letting feelings, thoughts, and emotions move through you, so you can be changed for the better.
Let those babies flow right on through. When you allow emotions to flow through you, they leave their imprint, acting as warning signs or messages from your intuition, guiding you to pay attention to what they're trying to say. This allows you to be blessed by those emotions and have a clearer call to action after coming out of a situation. One thing is for sure, if we are not clear on who we are, the outer world can easily consume us. It can leave us feeling incomplete and inadequate.
The call to action for me is to continue to check in with myself and gain clarity about who I am. This takes time and dedication and can be done in quiet morning spaces or during mindful evening showers, letting the water wash away what wasn't meant for us that day.
What are the small things you do every day to check in with yourself?
How do you know that the vision you have for yourself is authentic and meant for you?
How are you turning up the volume on your intuition?
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